EXCLUSIVE FALLOUT 4 PREVIEW [brought to you by Polygon]

This post is also available at Polygon.com/whogivesaflyingfuckaboutfallout4

I didn’t go to the Fallout 4 preview event.  I haven’t seen a trailer, in fact I wasn’t even invited.  I don’t know what it is, when it is, if it’s happened or if I’m writing this prematurely.  I don’t care.  Pretty sure whoever makes Fallout 4 knows as much about us as we know about them.  It’s 3 am, I drank half a thing of whiskey, it’s dark, I’m wearing sunglasses and typing this on my phone.  I don’t get why everyone expects games writers to write about video games all the time.  I’d really rather write about things like paddle board yoga while still capitalizing on and exploiting the large audiences and pageviews that turn up for gaming news.

Nobody should ever play video games ever.  Sitting in one position for so long does awful things for your circulation, your posture, the controllers are ergonomic nightmares and don’t even get me started on those “PC Master Race” people that think their better because they use keyboards.  Repetitive strain injuries are very real!  At least office people are getting paid + insurance for their pain.  For these reasons I’ve sworn a blood oath with the staff here at Polygon that as long as I work here we will never review, preview, play or promote video games.  It’s for the common good.

During the time it takes you to read this sentence, 50,000 12-ounce aluminum cans are made.  Recycling one aluminum can save enough energy to run a TV for three hours.  The best part is an aluminum can may be recycled ad infinitum (forever!)  We produce enough trash to circle the globe hundreds and hundreds of times, and the amount of money wasted on video games could have solved many of the world’s problems.  Mass extinction, rainforests rapidly disappearing, clouds of pollution spreading across the globe and whopping carbon footprints are only a few of the incredible environmental quandaries we’re facing today, and the numbers will blow your mind.  Do you ever stop to think what kind of world your creating for your grand children?

Sometimes I think people accept the dystopian futures presented in games like Fallout because it means they don’t have to do anything today.  But it doesn’t take a whole lot, just everyone doing a little at a time.  Imagine if instead of using electricity to power wasteful game consoles you took up a more eco- wait a minute that’s 400 words I’m free!  and I am out this bitch.  When I leave come together like buttcheeks!

Make sure to check out Polygon daily for no gaming news, reviews, or commentary in fact we’re going to call ourselves Polygon and dick-ride 2d games our friends made because they are too lazy to learn Unity.  We’ve got great articles like “why isn’t there a gay block in Tetris?”, “How can Knuckles be the ‘black’ one when Shadow is literally colored black”, and “Splatoon is a celebration of rape and everything wrong with society please for the love of god kill yourselves Wii U owners for the good of society”

That’s 100 extra words, I expect the overtime to be reflected when the fucking check clears Polygon.

A female enjoys a stand up paddle board.

A female enjoys a stand up paddle board.

5 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE FALLOUT 4 PREVIEW [brought to you by Polygon]

  1. You. I like you. Now give us more biting stories about how much you hate games and are being oppressed by being forced by Polygon to review the stupid things.

  2. yeah your blog is cool and you don’t even have to use the apostrophe if you don’t like it but please use your and you’re correctly. you can even write “youre” just don’t write “your” when you mean “you are”.

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