Jay Plays white people simulator 2k15(Facade)


FACADE STAGEPLAY
Mon Sep 14 00 16 18 2015

GRACE
Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?

TRIP
What, Grace… this?

GRACE
Yes, you know how I feel about it —

TRIP
I know I know I’ll do it right now, alright?!

GRACE
You know I’ve had to ask you about this several —

TRIP
Get off my back!  I’ll get rid of it in just a minute!

(Jared knocks on the front door.)

GRACE
Fine, Trip… fine… — (interrupted)

(Jared knocks on the front door.)

TRIP
Oh, he’s here!

GRACE
What?! You said he’s coming an hour from now!

TRIP
No, he’s right on time!

GRACE
Trip…!

JARED
knock knock bitches!

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
Jared!!

TRIP
Hey! It’s been too long, man!   How are you doing,  you look great! — (interrupted)

JARED
whats poppin nigga!

TRIP
Uh…

(JARED hugs trip.)

TRIP
Well come on in…

TRIP
Uh, I’ll — I’ll go get Grace…

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

(JARED picks up a trinket 2.)

JARED
nigga when u get a heisman?

GRACE
Jared,

(JARED puts down a trinket 2.)

GRACE
Hi!  How are you?  Oh it’s so nice to see you, it feels like it’s been forever!

JARED
oh shit!

GRACE
Uh…

(JARED hugs grace.)

GRACE
H-mmm (happy smile sound)

GRACE
By the way, you look fabulous!

GRACE
Yes, you can help me understand where I went — (interrupted)

JARED
I know

GRACE
Oh, um, well… I want to ask you…

GRACE
Uhh, you know, I’ve been collecting these little glass sculptures for God knows how long now.

(Trip closes the front door.)

TRIP
I always hear people talking about them at our parties. — (interrupted)

(JARED picks up a trinket 1.)

TRIP
Well, it’s funny how after a full day’s work designing magazine ads, Grace finds the time to decorate… and re-decorate…

GRACE
Ha ha, uhh, I guess it’s just the artist in me dying to get out.

GRACE
(frustrated sigh) So I’ve been collecting all these sculptures…

GRACE
but now whenever I look at them, I suddenly get such a… such a… headache!

TRIP
Oh, Grace…

JARED
looks like you need some dick

(JARED puts down a trinket 1.)

TRIP
uh… uh, heh heh…

GRACE
uh…!

TRIP
geez, I’m not, uh…

GRACE
uuh…!

TRIP
well…

GRACE
ha ha…

TRIP
ha ha…

GRACE
ha ha ha ha!!

TRIP
ha ha ha!

TRIP
Ha ha ha,    Jared,

GRACE
heh heh heh…

TRIP
heh, you had me going there for a sec…

TRIP
heh, ha ha…

TRIP
You’re not afraid to say anything, are you?

TRIP
mess with us …

TRIP
heh heh, you’re crazy, you know that?

TRIP
ha ha…

TRIP
(big sigh)

TRIP
Anyway, uh… what were we talking about?

TRIP
Oh,    Jared,  I thought you might like this photo I just put up from our recent trip to Italy.

GRACE
Might like it?  It’s a beautiful picture of the Italian countryside, of course he’ll like it!

GRACE
By the way, anybody, join me on the couch if you like.

(JARED points to the italy picture.)

TRIP
Um…  now,,    Jared,  — (interrupted)

GRACE
Jared,  I’m sorry.  See Trip, I knew I should never have let you put up that picture, it’s making our guest uncomfortable.

(JARED sits on the couch.)

TRIP
What?  No, I’m just playing around, it — it’s easy… the answer is romance.  Romance.  That’s all.  It’s no big deal.  Sorry.  Sorry!

GRACE
Uhh… I’ll take the picture down later tonight before I go to bed.

TRIP
uhh…

GRACE
(big sigh)

GRACE
Oh God,    Jared,  I hope you didn’t come here tonight to be entertained…

TRIP
What?

GRACE
Listen to us, we’re arguing in front of our friend.

TRIP
Grace, come on, it’s not helping things for you to say that…

GRACE
Trip, it’s okay if we disagree in front of our friend —

TRIP
Disagreeing?!  We’re NOT disagreeing.  We’re, we’re not.

TRIP
(frustrated sigh) Sheejus.

GRACE
Okay, well, you and I are getting along better tonight than I first thought!

TRIP
Oh no,  — (interrupted)

JARED
yall need some time

TRIP
Uh, well, uh — we need drinks!

GRACE
My dad bought Trip a silver plated cocktail shaker for Christmas a few years back — the rest is history.

TRIP
Why don’t I make us one of my new drink inventions,

JARED
GET TURNT UP!

TRIP
You — you don’t want my invention?

GRACE
It’s a secret — Trip doesn’t even like the taste of alcohol.

(JARED gets up from the couch.)

TRIP
What?!  So, uhh,

TRIP
Jared,  how — how does that sound?

GRACE
Jared,  Trip’s getting a little carried away…  maybe you just want some juice, or a mineral water?

JARED
AAAAYYYYY YEAH!

GRACE
Okay! Trip, you heard him!

TRIP
No, this is not the way to celebrate our get-together…

GRACE
How about this, you open up one of those big three gallon jugs of red wine, like your dad did that first time we had dinner at your parents’ house!

TRIP
What?

GRACE
Yeah your parents would never drink these shi-shi cocktails you try to impress people with,

GRACE
your parents drink the real thing, you know, those huge gallon jugs of —

TRIP
Are you trying to embarrass me?

TRIP
Bullshit!

GRACE
What — no, I thought it was fun, I really liked that about your parents —

TRIP
Uhh, you’re driving me insane!

GRACE
Ahh, no, I’m the one going insane!

GRACE
I’m trying to embarrass you…

GRACE
You seem so embarrassed about yourself, about your family, for no good reason!  There’s no reason!

TRIP
(little impatient sigh)     Jared,  can you believe this?

TRIP
(frustrated sigh)

GRACE
And you…

GRACE
I can predict what you’ll say…

GRACE
You’re so obnoxiously vulgar tonight, God!

(JARED kisses grace.)

TRIP
Look, quit the flirting already, I’m not going to put up with that at this point!

TRIP
My goddamn parents…

TRIP
You think you’re better than me just because I didn’t come from a rich background!  You do, I know it, you think you’re better than me!

GRACE
Oh, yeah, yeah, right! — (interrupted)

GRACE
Okay, you know what,     Jared,

GRACE
I’m going to ask you something.

TRIP
Grace —

GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

GRACE
Jared,  yes or no…

GRACE
If there was a thing about yourself you didn’t like, but your husband or wife likes it, is it still okay to hide it?

TRIP
What?

GRACE
I mean, if your spouse _likes_ something about you, that you don’t like, are you allowed to hide that?

GRACE
Yes or no.

JARED
YES

GRACE
What…?!

GRACE
Oh, alright… yes…

GRACE
Trip, I can’t take this denial anymore…  You’re suppressing yourself, you’re so… fake!  I hate it!

TRIP
Oh, god…!

TRIP
Uhh!  Yeah, go on, get away from me!

TRIP
I can’t even frigging look at you.

TRIP
Goddammit, Grace!

JARED
YOU ARE BOUGIE DOG

TRIP
What are you saying to me?!  W — what?

GRACE
What, Trip?  Are you trying to talk to me?

TRIP
No!

TRIP
Jared,  this is not normal, this has never happened.

JARED
YOU KIND OF A YUPPIE

GRACE
Jared,  (annoyed sigh) Trip is just so…

TRIP
Oh, we’re talking about me again, are we?

GRACE
What?

GRACE
Trip, it’s your fault — ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college,

GRACE
you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art!

TRIP
What?

GRACE
If it weren’t for you, I could be a real artist by now.

TRIP
Uhh…    Jared,  uhh…

TRIP
That’s bullshit.

GRACE
Uhh…

JARED
GO ON

TRIP
Look, let’s not focus on just me or you, let’s talk about us both.

TRIP
Jared,  you think this is all my fault, don’t you?

GRACE
See, you lied to me from the moment we got married, insisted I’d be better off in advertising than art.

TRIP
What?  Oh, Jesus…!

TRIP
— (interrupted)

JARED
NO BOTH OF YOU ARE NUTS

TRIP
Hey, no, it’s just going to make this whole thing even worse if you keep criticizing me!

TRIP
Look, let’s talk about us both, not just one of us.

GRACE
Jared,  you — you blame me for all this, don’t you?

TRIP
See, Grace, you’re the one turning this into such a big issue.

TRIP
In fact I saved you from wasting your life as an artist.

GRACE
What?  Oh my God.

GRACE
Jared,  is that true, all of this is my fault?

JARED
NO

GRACE
No?

GRACE
Oh, thank God you disagree, that really helps us!

TRIP
Uhh, okay, look, if I didn’t save you, I definitely helped you…

TRIP
And at the time, you were happy for that!

GRACE
Uhh…

JARED
WELL

TRIP
Jared,  what, is there something I should do?

GRACE
Let’s keep the focus on us, our relationship.

TRIP
No,    Jared,  I — I know, deep down, Gr — Grace and I…

TRIP
Heh… I mean… I — I just think back to that Christmas Eve I proposed to her…

GRACE
Trip…

GRACE
Jared,  we… uhh…

JARED
ARE YOU LOYAL

GRACE
Ah!

TRIP
Heh, hey… heh heh heh, hey, no no no, don’t — don’t try to… don’t — don’t to try accuse me of — of — of anything with Maria…

GRACE
Oh God…

TRIP
No — no, no, Grace, don’t, don’t even about think that — look, look —

TRIP
look, our — our ‘friend’ has just gone too far this time, that’s all that’s happening here…!

JARED
who is maria

TRIP
Uhh,     Jared,  we went over that already, didn’t we?

GRACE
Let’s talk some more about Trip.

TRIP
Grace, we don’t — we don’t have to do this… things are okay, we can just —

GRACE
Jared,  I can’t stand the pretending anymore… I can’t take it!

JARED
lets talk about maria

GRACE
Uhh,    Jared,  you know, we already talked about that…  (frustrated sigh)

JARED
is grace cheating too

TRIP
Ah!

GRACE
Oh God…

TRIP
What is…?  This is making no sense…

JARED
ya’ll a mess you need jesus

GRACE
No?

TRIP
What?  What is this?  I’m confused.

GRACE
No, no no no no no, our — our ‘friend’ is just trying to… to confuse me or something…

JARED
no confusion or miscommunicaiton

TRIP
Yes?

GRACE
I can’t… this is not…    Jared,  this… oh god…

GRACE
Uhh…

JARED
try xanex

GRACE
No, wait, I can’t… I need a minute to… uhh…

GRACE
No let’s — let’s focus on us, our relationship.

GRACE
You know, I… uhh… I really don’t have anyone to talk to…

TRIP
Grace…!

GRACE
Heh, my so-called ‘friends’, they’re just jealous of us, if you can believe that…

TRIP
Jared,  we… uhh…

JARED
I can’t not after meeting you

GRACE
Yes?

GRACE
Ah, see, those words really help us…

GRACE
Jared,  you’ve been a friend, ever since you first introduced us…

GRACE
Let’s keep talking about us, our relationship.

GRACE
I think… I think… Trip and I are drifting… I’m afraid we’re becoming… disconnected…

TRIP
Grace! What are you saying?

TRIP

GRACE
It’s like I don’t know who you are anymore.

JARED
divorce for your own good

GRACE
Ah!

TRIP
D — divorce?     Jared,  you think we should get a divorce?

JARED
yes!

GRACE
Yes?

TRIP
This is bullshit…!   you’re saying it’s over, we should just give up…?!

TRIP
Uhh… oh…

JARED
YES WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING 4

GRACE
Ah!

TRIP
Jared,  you’re saying I’m… angry?

TRIP
It’s so annoying… you know lately I’ve been really trying to spend more time together…

TRIP
Jared,  she makes it so difficult…

GRACE
Trip, that’s not going to solve anything…

TRIP
Uhh…

GRACE
Jared,  please give me some advice here…

GRACE
Let’s talk some more about Trip.

JARED
DIVORCE NIGGA!

GRACE
Damn it, Trip, you and my parents are always planning these stupid trips I have to go on..

TRIP
They’re vacations! Expensive ones at that!

GRACE
Of course nobody thinks to ask me what I want.

JARED
EXCEPT YOUR SIDE NIGGA

TRIP
Oh, now it’s all my fault. Just because your parents and I get along, now it’s some big conspiracy.

GRACE
God…

GRACE
No let’s — let’s focus on us, our relationship.

GRACE
I think Trip’s afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.

TRIP
Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.

GRACE
No, it’s true…

JARED
TRIP IS A YUPPIE

TRIP
See Grace, that’s ridiculous. The only thing I’m afraid of is their bad taste might rub off on us… ha ha!

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

JARED
TRIP HAS ISSUES

GRACE
Alright… look…     Jared,  we’re fine, nothing’s changed…  we’ll see you out.

JARED
PEACE NIGGA

TRIP
No, let’s switch to talking about Grace.

GRACE
Oh,   Jared,  thanks, but, what we need right now is to just get all this out in the open…

TRIP
Okay, I’ve had enough of this bullshit!!

TRIP
Jared,  I know what you’re hinting at…

TRIP
about me…

TRIP
about our marriage…

TRIP
Do you two want the truth?  Huh?

JARED
YES

TRIP
Grace?

GRACE
Yes…!

TRIP
See,    Jared,  I’ve been paying attention to what you’ve been saying tonight.

TRIP
You’ve been pushing me tonight.

TRIP
It makes me wonder if you’re really my friend or not.

GRACE
Trip!

TRIP
Jared,  I ask you this — yes or no…

TRIP
Do you really think that…

TRIP
criticizing me…

TRIP
kissing Grace…

TRIP
telling me I’m angry…

TRIP
suggesting that we get divorced…

TRIP
and worst of all,

TRIP
suggesting that I’m cheating on Grace…

TRIP
and what you said about having more in life and marriage…

TRIP
that all that is supposed to help me understand something about myself?

TRIP
Is all of that arguing intended to mean something, or…

TRIP
Is it?  I just want a yes or no.

JARED
YES

TRIP
Right.

TRIP
Grace…

TRIP
uhh…

TRIP
I’ve been having an affair.

GRACE
Oh my God.

TRIP
It’s over now, though.

GRACE
But how could you —

TRIP
(big sigh) with the client, in, uh, Barcelona.

GRACE
Maria.

TRIP
I was lonely, Grace.

TRIP
But, but, I — I regret it, I really, really regret it.

TRIP
uhh…

GRACE
uhh…

GRACE
Oh my God…!

GRACE
Jared,  I —

GRACE
What?!

GRACE
This changes everything…

TRIP
Yes, it does change everything.

TRIP
I think it’s over.

JARED
GRACE IS CHEATING TOO

GRACE
Trip, what —

TRIP
No!!

TRIP
It’s over, Grace, can’t you see that?

GRACE
Wha… b — but you just said —

(JARED hugs grace.)

TRIP
I just told you something about me I should have said a long time ago:

TRIP
I cheated on you.   I betrayed you.

TRIP
And no,    Jared,  enough of that already…

JARED
NETFLIX AND CHILL GRACE?

GRACE
Trip, no, I… we…

TRIP
No, Grace, this is about me.  I see now it’s not about you, or about our marriage.

GRACE
Me…?  Our — our marriage…?  Hey, no, wait!

TRIP
Jared,  I’m sorry.  You really helped me though, so, thanks.

GRACE
Trip!

(Trip opens the front door.)

(Trip closes the front door.)

GRACE
Trip!!

GRACE
Oh my God…

JARED
ILL WATCH THE PLACE U GOOD!

(JARED kisses grace.)

GRACE
I should have told him that…

GRACE
I — I could have told him that…

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